---Secrets---

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---Secrets---

Post  Link on Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:15 pm

"All I wanted in life is to be taken seriously." read
the note. "For once, to have people not laugh at me. To
not ridicule me. Not to be perfect, but to have a flaw
that no one could discover. There is security in
secrets."

And those were the last thoughts of the boy I loved so
dearly. It makes me wonder if he thought of me once when
he ended it, compared to the many times I've thought of
him in the past few months.

To have come into my life and swept me off my feet, then
to have left so swiftly, so heartrendingly.. I don't
think I could ever truly hate him for it. Hate wasn't
in the question, because love was all I had for the boy.

When the road that you follow crumbles in front of you,
do you turn back around, or make a path onwards? I chose
to wait. I waited for something to happen, and nothing
did. The smiling faces of the people I used to enjoy the
company of so often remained there. They would come over
and try to cheer me up. I wouldn't let them in, but
they'd come anyway.

I sat their silently while each one of them smiled and
reassured me that everything would be okay. Telling me
how wonderful life could still be. Telling me their
happy stories about their stupid families and friends
that I don't care about.

Their cheerfulness was just another reminder of how
happy I myself had been only a few months before. Of
what I had lost. They say that when a person is empty,
desolate, that their soul has abandoned them. Maybe
that's what happened here.

I've spent a lot of time walking. Walking the
school grounds, walking the parks, going to the places he
and I used to go and finding the places where my memory
of him is strongest. It doesn't help me forget, like
everyone wants me to. But why would I care about what
everyone wants of me?

You know those cheery religious people? The people who
say that every problem can be solved with the help of
some vague god? I refuse to believe that. Why would I
listen to a god that tells me my beloved is going to be
cast into flames for not being able to endure the
onslaught of attacks and abuse that became his life?
Where was that god when he needed him? Nowhere, because
that god is a fabrication.

I never used to think like this. Not with him around.
Not with his gorgeous eyes fixed on me. Not when he held
me in his arms and kissed me, or when I would fall
asleep before him, and wake up to him holding me close
with breakfast already made because he knew when I'd
wake up. No, not then. I never had a single sad thought
then. I didn't think it'd ever end.

And then it did. Abruptly, without warning, it was over.
Maybe I did something to deserve this, but I couldn't
imagine what. I never robbed someone of their greatest
desire. I don't know how many people would still care if
I was gone. I've driven away everyone. I think they'd
all have seen this coming. I don't owe anybody anything,
this is more for me than anyone.

"I take you seriously. I could never laugh again,
nonetheless at you. There was so much I still had yet to
learn about you. So much I saved and so much I wish I
had said and shown you before you left. If not to save
you and keep you here, than to make your short stay more
enjoyable."

Speaking to an empty room really makes you realize how
far you've fallen. And now it's time to end this and
fall a little farther.. into the arms of my love.
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